Amanda Gayle (amandagayle) wrote,
Amanda Gayle

Once upon a time in Calcium... {excerpt from a letter}

I had a dream last night I was living in this small town, and there was this weird thing going on. Children were being poisoned by pink goo, and all the peanut butter in town was contaminated by raisins. The list of suspects was four people long, including this weird, quiet middle aged man who always wore a red and black flannel shirt, and a fur cap with ear flaps. I knew it was really aliens who were doing it, but I also knew if I told anyone this they would accuse me of being crazy. They were taking over the chidrens' souls.

Later, I was sitting on a sidewalk, kinda like a bum, but I wasn't panhandling. And these three girls came up and said, "Oh my gosh, are you the new Hannah Montana?!" And suddenly I knew I was. I wondered why they'd pick a 30 year old married chick who can't sing to succeed Miley Cyrus, but I agreed to sign their autograph books anyway. "Sign right there," one of the girls said, and I did. Another girl's mom said, "Her name is spelled K-E-A, get it right!"

And then I woke up. It was just fucking bizarre.

The movers are coming to pick up our stuff on the 24th, and I'm fucking nervous as all hell to move. I always get nervous when I move. We don't have a confirmed place down in Poughkeepsie yet either, but the one we like best probably won't be ready for us to move in till sometime between June 10th and 15th. (I REALLY wish the owner would get back to us with the results of our application SOON). We're out of our house on the 31st. Cory can't leave the army till June 4th, so we can stay with the Bechtolds for 4 days (we'll have to board the cats ~ the B's have two big ass mutts ~ one of which Casey calls his badger-shark ~ and a shorkie).

After that...?

And what clothes do I leave out from the movers? I only have so much space in my car...and who KNOWS what the weather will do up here?! No wonder I'm nervous.

I shouldn't be. I've moved enough in the past several years ~ two of those fly by the seat of my pants getting evicted moves with the asshole ~ and this time I have time, AND free, professional movers who are also storing our things for up to 90 days until we're ready to move intou our new place. It's just the time lag. And the fact that as soon as we get down there, NEITHER of us will have jobs. I HATE job hunting.

And it doesn't help that Cory's very confident about it all. He's certain he'll find a job within a couple weeks of moving there. He's certain nothing will go wrong, we won't run out of money. He's already made up savings plans, and calculated how much we'll have saved when he graduates if we save xx amount a month, as apposed to yy amount a month...nevermind we've managed to save only a couple grand the entire time we've lived here in the north country. He doesn't understand what there is to be nervous about. He doesn't get my nervousness about money, and moving, and where it all comes from. He can't remember what it's like not to be able to pay rent because someone SPENT it all before you could write the check, or someone was POSITIVE we could afford a place we couldn't.

Finally, I told myself I just had to trust Cory, because he's never ever let me down. I just have to let go, it isn't fair to freak out about sins that aren't his. But it's so hard, because the only person I've ever been able to trust with things like that, someone who pretty much has my life and welfare in hand, is my dad. Even my mom's let me down before.

I work until the 29th. I'll be kind of glad to be moving on, and that I won't have to fight through another winter here. I swear the cold aged my skin two years in 5 months. The skin around my nose was constantly peeling and patchy. I couldn't wear anything fun ~ it was too cold to wear skirts with tights, or either of my capes. I walked around in Cory's surplus German hooded coat with fake fur lining that was pretty darn big on me, but it was the warmest thing in the house. I want to live somewhere I can feel cute again. I hope that can be accomplished in Poughkeepsie.

Anyway, I just needed to rant, and didn't really have anyone to talk to. No one really gets my nerves. Cory KNOWS I'm nervous all the time, panic attacky, and just tries to soothe me with kisses and beer. Beer helps in the short term, but it kinda fucks up my stomach the next day (acid reflux, gas) which is one of the triggers of panics ~ weird, huh? That stomach problems trigger panic attacks?

At least he TRIES to soothe me. He's so careful around me sometimes, I feel bad. Last week he got pissed at me (I was drunk, I don't remember). Apparently I woke him up in the middle of the night, trying to talk to him, and he had to be at work really early the next day, and couldn't get back to sleep. He mentioned it the next day, and I apologized. I thought it was done. Well, that weekend, when HE was drunk, he left me a nasty note about it, stuck to the bathroom mirror so I'd see it when I woke up to get ready for work. I left HIM a note ~ what's wrong, are you mad at me? tell me about it, yada blah ~ and he sent me an email when I was at work explaining he was still mad, that I do stuff like I did all the time and just brush it off, then do it again. I had to explain to him I had NO IDEA he was actually angry about it, because he never TELLS me. He conceeded it really wasn't fair of him to not let me know how upset he was, because if I knew how upset he was, I'd make a concious effort not to repeat my mistakes. So we worked that out. But he admitted he has a hard time telling me anything that might upset me ~ including, ironically, when he's upset with me ~ so I wonder sometimes how much he's hiding from me. I can never hide my feelings from him. I've never been close to anyone I can't hide my feelings from, and it's weird. He always knows what I'm feeling.

How are things with you? Are you still sad? I saw your posts on zocks the other night, and my netbook (which I'd gotten back from a coworker's husband who took it home to "fix" in October and who just gave it back the other day) locked up and crashed. I haven't had time to get back since (my phone won't go to zocks for some reason).

Anyway, since I'm at work I should probably work and stuff. Loves you.
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